canceled plans

When I was in highschool I had painted some Cure lyrics on the wall of my bedroom.... And the way the rain comes down hard is the way I feel inside.

Not to long after my last post my mother gave me a rang. I wasn't expecting to hear from her till Thursday, when we'd discuss apple-picking travel arrangements and possibly how my root canal went. And much to my disappointment she called to let me know that our family trip was postponed/possibly canceled. 

I was looking forward to a day of doing little, but as the sky became dark and the rain began to just drop out of the sky in buckets and I realized that the house was missing staples like coffee and milk and try as I might to avoid it, I was going to have to go out.

This morning I was roused from my good-dream-filled sleep by my phone. I missed the call because I am certainly not spry enough to leap from bed, shake the dreams from my memory and begin carrying a conversation with a fully functioning person. I checked my messages and it was my dentist's receptionist. She called to let me know that today's appointment had been canceled. The dentist wasn't feeling well. I could come in tomorrow morning at 9:30 to get the last of my root canal taken care of. I called her back and scheduled that appointment.

Here's where I whine just a bit (ok, a bit MORE)... In order to get to a 9:30 appointment at my dentist's I will have to leave home at 8am. I know, many of my real-job-having friends are NOT shocked by this at all, However, I usually wake up at 9am. I leave for work around 10:30. So for me to leave home at 8AM is kinda huge.

Also, I had postponed the Burlesque at the Beach gig last week due to actual pain, and I am afraid that making it to a show at Coney Island that begins at 10pm, after I'd been up and out since 8am was going to be nearly impossible. Will it be postponed again due to exhaustion? Usually day-jobbers get off of work at 5pm, giving them time to eat, relax,  or do whatever it is they do. But me, no, I will be hours away from the end of my workday at 5,  getting off just in time to head straight out to Coney. 

None of my super-awesome-funtime city friends were going to come to the burlesque show anyway. Too mature? Too late? Too tired? Man, they have more excuses than I do (and reading above, this is impressive). Though my friend from the suburbs is always up for boobs, and was planning on coming out. 2 weeks in a row.... ready to come hang out with me. And now I have to dick him around and reschedule again. Next weekend is the last Burlesque at the Beach performance of the year. Who knows what it will be like next year. What with the developers threatening to take down astro-land and everything up in the air....

I can't shake this feeling of disappointment. I mean, I guess I usually experience this sort of thing around my birthday and Christmas. Try as I might to not have expectations, I always seem to be let down. I am not stupid. I am lucky. I know this. I have an amazing husband, a wonderful family, and somewhere, I actually have friends that would want to do things with me. I have a home, a job, and despite some dental problems, I do have my health.  But sometimes, I think I also have a touch of depression.